My Story

With just less than two weeks to go before the London marathon, I feel compelled to say a bit more about why I am running for the UK national mental health charity, Mind. I find this hard to write, though, because as much as I want to raise awareness of mental health and reduce the stigma, I feel paralysed by it.

I often feel very caught inside my own head. Thinking and rethinking. Criticising and denigrating. Analysing and overwhelming myself. I don't know how much of this is mental health versus who I am as a person, but I do know that when I am mentally healthy, I spend much less energy on what is going on inside my head.

Depression and anxiety have been a part of who I am since I can remember. Fourteen years ago, I was hospitalised for three days after taking an overdose of prescription medication. This was not the first time that I had contemplated suicide, but it was the first time I had acted on those thoughts. This was my low and, to date, my lowest. In some ways, though, it was a high because it helped get me on the right medication and into the right treatment. People are not wrong when they say that sometimes it takes hitting rockbottom for you to take control of your life.

The difficulty with depression and anxiety, however, is that they are never cured. They lurk in the corners waiting for times of stress and instability. Having had to manage with depression for a long time, I anticipated that I might suffer from postnatal depression and tried to prepare myself. What I didn't expect was something called postnatal anxiety because I had never heard of it. Frankly, it is terrifying. I had compulsive and intrusive thoughts that were constant and exhausting. I had thoughts about germs and the catastrophic consequences of not washing my hands constantly. I had thoughts about what I needed to do and worries about not remembering everything. I remember walking home from dropping my son at nursery and needing to count backwards by sevens out loud just to quiet the intrusive thoughts in my head. It was exhausting. I even had thoughts about hurting my babies. Or about harm coming to them. They were intrusive thoughts that would just pop into my head unsuspected. I would be walking through a doorway and have an image of my baby's head smashing against the doorframe.  As a child protection social worker,  I can't even explain how terrifying these were.

Luckily, it was hormonal, and it passed. It helped tremendously to discover that two of my friends in America had also suffered from this. I spoke to the midwife about it and she was incredibly supportive. I knew I would never do anything to hurt my baby, but when you can't stop those thoughts from entering your head, you really start to question your sanity.

Last year, when my second baby was just three months old, my uncle John took his own life after battling his own demons of depression and anxiety. Because of the way his body was found, there was a postmortem examination. This delayed when we could have his funeral so by the time his body was released, it was almost a month after his death. At the same time, we had closed on a new house which we had made an offer on when our baby was born. So the week of John's funeral was also the week we moved into our new house. Baby, move, death of a loved one. Any of these major life events would be sufficient to trigger an episode, but all three at the same time? I had a few days when all I wanted to do was crawl into bed and forget about the rest of the world, but I didn't do it. I wasn't particularly productive, but I didn't let myself sink. And I think that is evidence enough of how far I have come.

One year later, I am embarking on a new mental challenge: running a marathon. I had no idea before starting my training just how much of a mental challenge it would be. It has been an emotional roller coaster. But running is how I currently choose to manage my mental health, so I feel it is very poignant that this is how I choose to raise awareness for it.

Thank you for reading my story. If you would like to help support the work of Mind, please visit my fundraising site at www.virginmoneygiving.com/KirstenCronan

Roller coaster

Training for a marathon is turning out to be an emotional roller coaster. I wonder if it would feel the same if I were preparing under different circumstances, but one day I'll feel it is possible and the next I'm not sure if I'll make it to the start line let alone the finish.

Remember how I was anxiously waiting to see a sports physio? Well she was fantastic and very supportive of my continued training. I'm focusing on stretching and building stability while continuing to train as usual.

This led to a 12 mile run this weekend. I was silly excited, but I had done as the physio instructed and was feeling positive.  All went well until the last two miles when I had to really cheer myself on to make it through.

This left me really worried that my level of fitness is not quite ready for this challenge. And then the next morning I was very, very uncomfortable. Not tight in my hip, but pain engulfing my back and pelvis. I had to sit through a training seminar all day and by the end it felt like I was 40 weeks pregnant, the pain in my pelvis was so bad.

My daughter had a rough night (teething), so I hit the alarm at 4:45, but when I did get out of bed, my pelvis was fine. I managed to complete my 40 min run without any pain. Yesterday I thought I was going to have to throw in the towel scared that every increase in mileage would cripple me. 

I'm amazed at how my body has adapted. I'll need to keep these positive thoughts in mind when the roller coaster reaches it's next dip.

Waiting

I'm sitting, waiting to see a sports Physio and feeling incredibly anxious. My mind keeps thinking that this is it. I'm out. Right now 10 miles seems to be my max. I can't run a 10 mile marathon. 

But I have to remind myself that I'm not injured. My hip is tight, but I don't have any sharp pain. I'm doing this to prevent an injury. 

Everyone on the Mind marathon forum swears by physios. That they have helped them to complete the marathon against all odds. 

I wonder if I'm being ridiculous. Why did I agree to run this marathon when I knew my body wasn't ready?

I guess only time will tell. Here's hoping the Physio is optimistic and has lots of supportive advice. 

Free February

A friend of mine is trying to get pregnant. Because she's been trying for 6 months, she sought advice to see if she could be doing anything differently and was advised that eating too much sugar could  have an impact on her hormone levels.

We all know about sugar highs and lows. I'm very well acquainted with the sugar coma and subsequent hangover feeling from eating too much. Sometimes I eat so much that I feel like I'm walking around in a fog. You'd think I'd learn!

So this got me thinking about my own consumption. Since I weaned my daughter just before Christmas, my sugar intake has skyrocketed. My daughter has multiple food allergies, so I was off of cakes and such while breast feeding. Now, however, it's basically no holds barred and it's not pretty.

A consequence of this, I think, is an increase in my mood swings. So when I heard my friend talking about sugar effecting your hormone levels, I decided I was going to cut down, too.

Today starts day one of no sweets, chocolate, cakes, or soda. Yesterday was my daughter's first birthday, so I let that one slide. Here's to a successful first day. I'm sure I'll have much more to say about this in a few days!

Trust

I learned a valuable lesson today: all my miles count. 

I keep looking back at the time I injured myself and seeing it as ground zero. Seeing my recovery time as a set back. As meaning that I'm starting from scratch.

But it's not and I'm not. I've put in 9 months of road time and my legs remember that. My heart and my lungs remember that.

Despite all my positive self talk, I was still really anxious this morning as I set off to accomplish 10 miles. My body was fine, though. I took it slow and I felt strong. 

I think my body needed me to know that it's put in a lot of work this year and a couple of set backs don't negate all that hard work. 

So today I learned that I need to trust in the process. Trust that I have worked hard and put in the miles. Trust that I can do this.

Friday. The new Monday.

Friday training days are proving to be a challenge. Between my husband leaving for work at 6 and my working part time, I've had to carefully plan which days I can train on.

Right now it's set as Tuesday, Friday, and Sunday. Three days a week because I'm trying to avoid injury. On Tuesdays and Fridays I get up at 4:45 am so I can be out the door by 5. I work on Wednesday and Thursday and aim to leave the house by 7:45. I'm not usually home until 7 pm and very much ready for bed by 9!

My kids have never been good sleepers. A is a bit better than L, but she's teething lately and currently seems to have a cold (complete with fever and vomiting).

As you can imagine, by the time Friday morning comes around, running in the dark, freezing cold of 5am is the last thing I want to do.

I didn't make it out the door this morning, but running two days a week is not going to get me to that finish line in very good shape.

So right now, while I rock my sick baby while she fitfully sleeps, I'm telling myself to suck it up and go tonight. I'm not training for a marathon because it's easy.  And this is just part of the journey.

London Marathon, Baby!

Wow. I just re-read my last post. If that is not a clear indication of why I need to run, I don't know what is.

I'm happy to say that I am in a much better place right now. I started to run again over Christmas after about 5 weeks off. I've tried to take the road back to running slowly, but it is hard. Right now I'm only running 3 days a week because I know that I need to take it easy.

With stress at work and my mental health needing a real boost, it is hard to reign myself in. I see other people running and I yearn to be out there. But I must take it slow.

So how to take it slow...

Yes, the title of my post is the London Marathon. And, yes, I got a spot. But that is not taking it slow, you say. No. It's not.

It was a really difficult decision when I got the call. I cried. I worried. I talked and talked to my husband about it.  I didn't make the cut back in October, but I put myself on the waiting list because I wanted it so badly. I put it out of my head and kept Richmond Park in the forefront of my mind.

But I got the call. I got the chance. And how can you turn down London?

I'm telling myself that this is for John. 13 April is 5 days after his anniversary date. John lived in London. And it is for Mind. Yes, running a marathon is for myself. It is a goal I have had for a while now, but if it were purely for myself, I would take the longer time to train. I would choose Richmond.

So I'm telling myself that my only goal is to finish. That it's okay to walk (eek - walk?!).

I'm absolutely terrified that I have to run 10 miles this weekend. The last time I ran 10 miles I injured myself. But if I'm going to run 26.2, I have to get past 10 first. So let's take it one step (mile) at a time.