A week of excuses

If you've struggled with depression or anxiety, you know how easy it is to make a million and one excuses for something that is hard. Here are my excuses for this week:

Monday - 6.25 miles overambitious run
Tuesday - rest day
Wednesday - pain immediately upon running, so decided to rest
Thursday - too tired, too lazy, too scared to try again
Friday - out of the house by 6:15 for work
Saturday - too despondent to run
Sunday - 4 miles!

I bought some pregnancy shirts this week specifically for running since I'm finding it increasingly difficult to squeeze into my normal workout gear. Today's shirt read, "I'm eating for 2, what's your excuse?" I felt it was appropriate given my week of excuses.

I felt good on today's run. I really wanted to go long, but given how that affected me this week and resulted in not really running at all the rest of the week, I decided to only do 4 miles. I was originally going to do 3, but that didn't feel like far enough (does that make me a real runner?), so I pushed it to four. And I even ran the whole way - hills and all.

That felt fantastic.

A hard pill to swallow

My Monday Bank Holiday 6+ mile run bubble has burst. Infused with inspiration to get back into my running schedule, I was up before the crack of dawn this morning. Squeezing into my non-maternity running clothes, I waited until my coffee had kicked in and there was a little bit of sunlight outside (I'm a bit scared of running in the dark).

I always walk for a few minutes to warm up, but it was evident as soon as I started running that my pelvis had not recovered from my long run on Monday. This immediate pain is not normal, so I kept going for about 30 seconds before deciding it was best to bail. I'm not feeling despondent just yet because I'm hoping that it's just too soon after my long run to have attempted another run. I'm really hoping that I will successfully complete my run tomorrow.

What does bother me is the implication that I might not be able to do any more long runs. There's something about running long that fills me with pride and confidence. I will miss that if I have to give it a break and only be able to do shorter runs.

In the meantime, I'm going to start looking at stationary bikes just to make sure I can keep up with exercising. That's how motivated I'm feeling, so I might as well make the most of it.

A true BAMR

Feeling my mood has been slowly slipping into the negative zone, I was determined to get my run in today. I saw the doctor on Wednesday and he encouraged me to keep running as much as I can (yay!), but to take it easy. So perhaps running at a pace one minute from my personal best for the 10k isn't such a great idea right now.

This is me last weekend after the Richmond 10k. Yes, one minute from my personal best. 

The pace was so fast (and tough) for the first 1k that I cried, terrified that I'd come in last. 

That fast pace left my pelvis in a lot of discomfort, something that really worried me after all the pain I experienced with my last pregnancy. But, determined to deal with this proactively and to be more fit this pregnancy, the doctor has referred me for physiotherapy and I'm going to keep running.

This morning I set off for my run with optimism and a dose of forgiveness. I was going to take it slow and I was going to walk if I needed to. The first 2 miles were rough, but once I hit my stride, even the hills didn't slow me down. Well, I attacked one with gusto, the others I allowed myself to walk after giving them a good go.  I felt so good, in fact, that I ran 6 and a quarter miles rather than my planned 5.  I had only finished 5 miles by the time I had finished 10k last weekend, but it didn't bother me because I felt so good.

I won't lie and say the run was pain free because it wasn't, but I was able to run further before it started and I took it easy once it was there. I felt like a true badass mother runner.

My only worry now is how many pitstops I'll need to make for the toilet...

SPD

It was with ginger feet that I left for my run this morning. I'm worried about a condition I had during my last pregnancy: symphysis pubis dysfunction or pelvic girdle pain. It's not uncommon for pregnant women given that our joints get loose in preparation to birth a baby, but it is not pleasant. I was in quite a lot of pain by the end of my last pregnancy which resulted in very little exercise and quite a bit of weight gain. It continued after I had my son and I needed to have some physiotherapy to help it. With all that, it's very much on my mind this pregnancy and a large part of why I'm still running and trying to stay fit.

For the past few weeks, I have started to feel some of the twinges starting during my runs. When I saw a physio after my last pregnancy, she told me that as long as it isn't sharp pain, to carry on. So I have been. And so I ran my first 10k race this past weekend and my pelvis was very sore afterwards. During the race it was just the achy feeling, but for a few days afterwards I would get the sharp pains if my weight wasn't evenly distributed. Most likely this is just from swelling from irritation. I ran the 10k at a pace I did not expect from my pregnant self, but this clearly has made my pelvis unhappy.

So I set off for my run this morning fully expecting to have some pain. I kept at a very, very easy pace and took a short route that I knew I could cut even shorter if I needed to. I felt great for the first two miles and then the pain started again. So, with all this in mind, I am off to the doctor this morning to hopefully control this before it gets out of hand. I'm hoping that I will be able to keep running. For my mental health. For my physical health. And for my baby.

I'll keep you posted.

I need to get out of my head this morning. I feel grumpy and irritable and just plain short fused.

I haven’t been for a run in a week. I planned to run yesterday and today, but my son was up before 5 and came into our bed. He wasn’t back to sleep in time for me to get up at 5, so I chose to sacrifice my run to attempt to get him back to sleep.

I say that I chose this because I know in my head that it is a choice. But my depressive voice is feeling resentful. My childish, selfish depression is shouting, “It’s not fair!”.

I think I am feeling this way because my runs have been decreasing in frequency since we’ve been back in the UK and I’ve started working full time. My fears, which often become self-fulfilling prophecies, were that I wouldn’t be able to run as much while pregnant and that this would lead to a gradual decrease in my mental health. The fact that the pregnancy has nothing to do with the frequency of my runs at this point is irrelevant. They just aren’t happening.

Honestly, it’s been a tough transition and I’m still struggling to find the right balance with the juggling act. While I still feel that going back to work was the right decision for me, I miss my son immensely. And while I love being back in the UK, I don’t have the answers yet to solve this puzzle.

So I will blog about it to at least purge most of it from my head. I need to trust that this is just the best I can do for right now. 

The Path to Positivity

My husband and I had a rare night out last night. Dinner and a movie. We didn't get home until well after midnight. And then my son was up at 5am.

Despite the lack of sleep, I still went for my long(ish) Sunday run. I felt really sluggish and negative, but the scenery helped to shift my mood and my motivation.

How beautiful is this? This is the Thames path heading to Teddington Lock

Don't be fooled by the flatness of this path. The stones make this a very tricky run. I'm waiting to see which tiny muscles are going to be sore tomorrow. 

If I was a better photographer, you'd see a bunch of rowers. Maybe here for the Olympics? I did see someone running with a pole (practicing for the torch relay next week?)!

And Teddington Lock. Much more beautiful in person. What is it about water that is so calming? Being near it always helps me recharge. 

And while I'm feeling tired and drained post run, I'm so happy that I got out there. That positivity will carry me through me day.

Finding a routine

When we were in Singapore, I had a great training routine. It helped that I was a stay at home Mom with few morning commitments. Since being back in the UK, it's been much harder to settle into a satisfactory routine.

I've really only been able to average 3 runs a week. I've been pretty consistent with my long weekend runs because I don't want to lose that level of fitness, but fitting in my other runs has been tough.

This week is another 3 run week. Today I'm blaming a toddler who is not 100% well and waking more than once in the night. It's tough to get up for a 5am run when your sleep has been disturbed.

I wouldn't worry so much about running 3 times a week under most circumstances. After all, I am pregnant, have just managed a huge move, and have started a full time job, so a settling in period is expected. And I'm still managing 3 runs - I should celebrate that, right?!

But I can feel the effect it is having on my mood. And that terrifies me. Being realistic, I will not be able to run throughout this entire pregnancy. Issues with my pelvis started around 20 weeks of my last pregnancy. These led to difficulty walking and quite a bit of weight gain. I don't want that to happen again. It helps that I am much more fit and weigh quite a bit less.

But my biggest fear is that my mood will become erratic. I can already feel the grumpies creeping in and I hate that side of myself. When my motivation is waning, then, I'll have to use that as my motivation to just get up and go.

I got the inspiration to start this blog after submitting a piece about Why I Run to the Another Mother Runner Website. Here it is:

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I run for my physical and mental health. I run to set a good example for my son. And I run to get some time to myself and to clear my head.

I have a history of depression and anxiety - a long history involving years of therapy (both group and individual), medication, and even a short hospitalization. Medication and therapy worked really well for me, but when my husband and I were planning our family, I didn't want to be on medication while pregnant. After 10 years of being on psycho-pharmaceuticals, this was a bit daunting. So I gradually came off the medication with the support of therapy (sometimes twice weekly) and we became pregnant. And then we moved to Singapore.

Moving to the other side of the world is hard. Moving when 30 weeks pregnant is very hard. Moving with an anxiety and depressive disorder, leaving behind your 15-year profession to become a stay-at-home mom in a different culture is my recipe for disaster.

After giving birth to my son, I went through a pretty difficult period. It's hard to tease out how much of it was the normal post-baby craziness and how much of it was my own internal craziness. So I tried going to therapy. We even tried couples therapy. I toyed with going back on antidepressants, but I figured I had come this far that medication would feel like going backwards. And then I started running.

My weight has always been an issue and I have exercised on and off for years. I've never really been able to maintain it (my weight or the exercise). I think this is because the focus has always been on trying to get then. Now, my focus is staying sane and that makes a huge difference.

Being in a foreign country away from family without any help and with a husband working long hours and completing his MBA, I didn't have much time for the gym. So I went for walks. And gradually as I got stronger, my legs felt like running, so it became a morning routine my son and I would do: run a couple of miles and then let him out of the jogging stroller to run around himself.

I didn't realize how much of an impact running had on my mental health until I had to take a break from it after minor surgery. I felt sluggish, grouchy, and negative all the time. It took a few weeks to turn that around, but once I was running regularly again, I could see the difference. Maintaining my mental health without medication is a huge motivator. Training for races forces me to keep up with that consistency on my most negative days.

Since starting to run in Singapore, I have run one 5K, two 10Ks, a 12K, and three half-marathons. I have lost more than 50 pounds and my mental health has greatly improved. My last half-marathon was my first race when I truly felt like a runner. My pace is pretty slow, especially in this Singapore humidity, but I am strong. When everyone else started slowing down at the halfway point, I kept going.  I took seven minutes off my personal best and completed the race with negative splits. It was the first time I really felt worthy of the label "runner".

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Since writing the above post, I have discovered that I am pregnant, moved back to the UK, and started back at full-time work after three years.

With all this going on, I need to keep running. I'm hoping this blog will keep me accountable.