Where I'm At

I haven't written in a long time because I wasn't sure I wanted to anymore. Maybe it is like this for you, too - being so constantly inside your own head that you start to doubt yourself. I think of things to write. Then over think them. And then the moment passes and it seems too late to write it down. But. Here I am again.

I have been through quite a few major life events in the past six months including giving birth, losing a loved one, and moving house. Any one of these things happening on its own could have sent me into a tailspin in the past. All three at the same time would have seen me catatonic or institutionalised. Seriously. But here I stand today on strong legs.

I plan to go into detail about those life events in later posts, but today I am back because I keep thinking of blog posts during my runs. Surely this is my brain telling me I need to process some stuff.

I set up this blog to talk about my experiences with depression and anxiety and how running helps me manage them. This weekend I was remarkably anti-anxious (for lack of a better descriptive term). Bored of running laps inside the nature reserve next to my house (even though it is beautiful), I decided to venture into unfamiliar territory. I had 7 miles to cover and didn't want to see the same paths I had covered over the past month. So without a plan I started running. My only thought was to go straight(ish) and to turn around at the halfway point.

I found it so exhilarating and liberating to run down new roads and to discover places I would have missed if I had stuck to my safe route. The area I'm living in feels like the country, but has pavement for pedestrians. This made it easy to run safely. I started to feel more anxious as more houses appeared and then more shops, but by then I was almost halfway and was proud of how far I had made it.

To get a little bit of perspective, I have a hard time going to new places. It takes me a long time to acclimatise because I can only try new things very slowly and gradually. Even in familiar towns I will walk by some shops because I have never been in them before. I can't tell you how many petrol stations I have driven by because of anxiety even though the tank is getting low. I fear looking stupid or looking like I don't know what I'm doing. So. Branching out and trying a new route was a big deal for me. Doing this without a plan or having mapped it out first was huge. Or maybe that is what made it possible...

Perhaps it is because I have been running again more regularly that I had the emotional strength to do this. Whatever the cause, I am super proud of myself for having done it. It has increased my self esteem and helped me to explore our new neighbourhood. It was such a positive experience that I took a new route again today and discovered even more things about where we are now living. I have found some new routes to run that I can add to my arsenal and I have plans to continue to explore. For now, I am filing this positive experience away to help keep me strong for the future.

A week of excuses

If you've struggled with depression or anxiety, you know how easy it is to make a million and one excuses for something that is hard. Here are my excuses for this week:

Monday - 6.25 miles overambitious run
Tuesday - rest day
Wednesday - pain immediately upon running, so decided to rest
Thursday - too tired, too lazy, too scared to try again
Friday - out of the house by 6:15 for work
Saturday - too despondent to run
Sunday - 4 miles!

I bought some pregnancy shirts this week specifically for running since I'm finding it increasingly difficult to squeeze into my normal workout gear. Today's shirt read, "I'm eating for 2, what's your excuse?" I felt it was appropriate given my week of excuses.

I felt good on today's run. I really wanted to go long, but given how that affected me this week and resulted in not really running at all the rest of the week, I decided to only do 4 miles. I was originally going to do 3, but that didn't feel like far enough (does that make me a real runner?), so I pushed it to four. And I even ran the whole way - hills and all.

That felt fantastic.

A hard pill to swallow

My Monday Bank Holiday 6+ mile run bubble has burst. Infused with inspiration to get back into my running schedule, I was up before the crack of dawn this morning. Squeezing into my non-maternity running clothes, I waited until my coffee had kicked in and there was a little bit of sunlight outside (I'm a bit scared of running in the dark).

I always walk for a few minutes to warm up, but it was evident as soon as I started running that my pelvis had not recovered from my long run on Monday. This immediate pain is not normal, so I kept going for about 30 seconds before deciding it was best to bail. I'm not feeling despondent just yet because I'm hoping that it's just too soon after my long run to have attempted another run. I'm really hoping that I will successfully complete my run tomorrow.

What does bother me is the implication that I might not be able to do any more long runs. There's something about running long that fills me with pride and confidence. I will miss that if I have to give it a break and only be able to do shorter runs.

In the meantime, I'm going to start looking at stationary bikes just to make sure I can keep up with exercising. That's how motivated I'm feeling, so I might as well make the most of it.

A true BAMR

Feeling my mood has been slowly slipping into the negative zone, I was determined to get my run in today. I saw the doctor on Wednesday and he encouraged me to keep running as much as I can (yay!), but to take it easy. So perhaps running at a pace one minute from my personal best for the 10k isn't such a great idea right now.

This is me last weekend after the Richmond 10k. Yes, one minute from my personal best. 

The pace was so fast (and tough) for the first 1k that I cried, terrified that I'd come in last. 

That fast pace left my pelvis in a lot of discomfort, something that really worried me after all the pain I experienced with my last pregnancy. But, determined to deal with this proactively and to be more fit this pregnancy, the doctor has referred me for physiotherapy and I'm going to keep running.

This morning I set off for my run with optimism and a dose of forgiveness. I was going to take it slow and I was going to walk if I needed to. The first 2 miles were rough, but once I hit my stride, even the hills didn't slow me down. Well, I attacked one with gusto, the others I allowed myself to walk after giving them a good go.  I felt so good, in fact, that I ran 6 and a quarter miles rather than my planned 5.  I had only finished 5 miles by the time I had finished 10k last weekend, but it didn't bother me because I felt so good.

I won't lie and say the run was pain free because it wasn't, but I was able to run further before it started and I took it easy once it was there. I felt like a true badass mother runner.

My only worry now is how many pitstops I'll need to make for the toilet...

SPD

It was with ginger feet that I left for my run this morning. I'm worried about a condition I had during my last pregnancy: symphysis pubis dysfunction or pelvic girdle pain. It's not uncommon for pregnant women given that our joints get loose in preparation to birth a baby, but it is not pleasant. I was in quite a lot of pain by the end of my last pregnancy which resulted in very little exercise and quite a bit of weight gain. It continued after I had my son and I needed to have some physiotherapy to help it. With all that, it's very much on my mind this pregnancy and a large part of why I'm still running and trying to stay fit.

For the past few weeks, I have started to feel some of the twinges starting during my runs. When I saw a physio after my last pregnancy, she told me that as long as it isn't sharp pain, to carry on. So I have been. And so I ran my first 10k race this past weekend and my pelvis was very sore afterwards. During the race it was just the achy feeling, but for a few days afterwards I would get the sharp pains if my weight wasn't evenly distributed. Most likely this is just from swelling from irritation. I ran the 10k at a pace I did not expect from my pregnant self, but this clearly has made my pelvis unhappy.

So I set off for my run this morning fully expecting to have some pain. I kept at a very, very easy pace and took a short route that I knew I could cut even shorter if I needed to. I felt great for the first two miles and then the pain started again. So, with all this in mind, I am off to the doctor this morning to hopefully control this before it gets out of hand. I'm hoping that I will be able to keep running. For my mental health. For my physical health. And for my baby.

I'll keep you posted.

I need to get out of my head this morning. I feel grumpy and irritable and just plain short fused.

I haven’t been for a run in a week. I planned to run yesterday and today, but my son was up before 5 and came into our bed. He wasn’t back to sleep in time for me to get up at 5, so I chose to sacrifice my run to attempt to get him back to sleep.

I say that I chose this because I know in my head that it is a choice. But my depressive voice is feeling resentful. My childish, selfish depression is shouting, “It’s not fair!”.

I think I am feeling this way because my runs have been decreasing in frequency since we’ve been back in the UK and I’ve started working full time. My fears, which often become self-fulfilling prophecies, were that I wouldn’t be able to run as much while pregnant and that this would lead to a gradual decrease in my mental health. The fact that the pregnancy has nothing to do with the frequency of my runs at this point is irrelevant. They just aren’t happening.

Honestly, it’s been a tough transition and I’m still struggling to find the right balance with the juggling act. While I still feel that going back to work was the right decision for me, I miss my son immensely. And while I love being back in the UK, I don’t have the answers yet to solve this puzzle.

So I will blog about it to at least purge most of it from my head. I need to trust that this is just the best I can do for right now. 

The Path to Positivity

My husband and I had a rare night out last night. Dinner and a movie. We didn't get home until well after midnight. And then my son was up at 5am.

Despite the lack of sleep, I still went for my long(ish) Sunday run. I felt really sluggish and negative, but the scenery helped to shift my mood and my motivation.

How beautiful is this? This is the Thames path heading to Teddington Lock

Don't be fooled by the flatness of this path. The stones make this a very tricky run. I'm waiting to see which tiny muscles are going to be sore tomorrow. 

If I was a better photographer, you'd see a bunch of rowers. Maybe here for the Olympics? I did see someone running with a pole (practicing for the torch relay next week?)!

And Teddington Lock. Much more beautiful in person. What is it about water that is so calming? Being near it always helps me recharge. 

And while I'm feeling tired and drained post run, I'm so happy that I got out there. That positivity will carry me through me day.