I think I found my depression the most difficult to manage when I was in high school and college. I was overflowing with teenage angst: trying to find myself and feeling defined by my feelings. I thought I was evil at times. I thought I had a blackness inside of me. I even thought my depression made me smarter and a "bigger" person. It was during these times that I was at the most risk for hurting myself because I felt that my depression was integral to who I was.
I write this looking at who I am now and how truly different I am. Perhaps some of it is age. I no longer feel the need to philosophise about things ad infinitem and while I am still introspective, it is with a lot more self understanding.
In college, a setback would last weeks and involve long spots of not speaking to my friends, who were probably very worried about me. A setback would leave me questioning my own existence and lead to suicidal thoughts.
Today, I seem to spring back much more quickly. I injured myself running my first post pregnancy 5k race and have been told by a physiotherapist to completely rest. Immediately after the injury I had continued to run until it became a sharp pain and I just couldn't carry on. After accepting that I needed professional input, my mood slowly deteriorated until I had my worst day just over a week ago. But it was only that. One day. And since that day I have been okay. I still have mood swings during the day, but I can't rule out lack of sleep and hormones as being responsible for those.
While inside I am still terrified that this injury means I will never run again, my grown up self realises that this is catastophizing. Much more, I can counteract it with realism that I actually believe. Resting now will ensure many, many more years of running. This is a temporary blip. I only had my baby six months ago and I am still breastfeeding. My body has been through enormous changes in the past year and it will take time to regain my fitness.
I don't intend to sit on the couch and feel sorry for myself. While my brain is hungering for that extra serotonin, I have learned enough over the years to know that I can be the one in control of things. It may be a bit more cognitive work than I would like right now, but I'll be back to running soon enough. And I'll be a stronger person both mentally and physically because of it.
