The Path to Positivity

My husband and I had a rare night out last night. Dinner and a movie. We didn't get home until well after midnight. And then my son was up at 5am.

Despite the lack of sleep, I still went for my long(ish) Sunday run. I felt really sluggish and negative, but the scenery helped to shift my mood and my motivation.

How beautiful is this? This is the Thames path heading to Teddington Lock

Don't be fooled by the flatness of this path. The stones make this a very tricky run. I'm waiting to see which tiny muscles are going to be sore tomorrow. 

If I was a better photographer, you'd see a bunch of rowers. Maybe here for the Olympics? I did see someone running with a pole (practicing for the torch relay next week?)!

And Teddington Lock. Much more beautiful in person. What is it about water that is so calming? Being near it always helps me recharge. 

And while I'm feeling tired and drained post run, I'm so happy that I got out there. That positivity will carry me through me day.

Finding a routine

When we were in Singapore, I had a great training routine. It helped that I was a stay at home Mom with few morning commitments. Since being back in the UK, it's been much harder to settle into a satisfactory routine.

I've really only been able to average 3 runs a week. I've been pretty consistent with my long weekend runs because I don't want to lose that level of fitness, but fitting in my other runs has been tough.

This week is another 3 run week. Today I'm blaming a toddler who is not 100% well and waking more than once in the night. It's tough to get up for a 5am run when your sleep has been disturbed.

I wouldn't worry so much about running 3 times a week under most circumstances. After all, I am pregnant, have just managed a huge move, and have started a full time job, so a settling in period is expected. And I'm still managing 3 runs - I should celebrate that, right?!

But I can feel the effect it is having on my mood. And that terrifies me. Being realistic, I will not be able to run throughout this entire pregnancy. Issues with my pelvis started around 20 weeks of my last pregnancy. These led to difficulty walking and quite a bit of weight gain. I don't want that to happen again. It helps that I am much more fit and weigh quite a bit less.

But my biggest fear is that my mood will become erratic. I can already feel the grumpies creeping in and I hate that side of myself. When my motivation is waning, then, I'll have to use that as my motivation to just get up and go.

I got the inspiration to start this blog after submitting a piece about Why I Run to the Another Mother Runner Website. Here it is:

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I run for my physical and mental health. I run to set a good example for my son. And I run to get some time to myself and to clear my head.

I have a history of depression and anxiety - a long history involving years of therapy (both group and individual), medication, and even a short hospitalization. Medication and therapy worked really well for me, but when my husband and I were planning our family, I didn't want to be on medication while pregnant. After 10 years of being on psycho-pharmaceuticals, this was a bit daunting. So I gradually came off the medication with the support of therapy (sometimes twice weekly) and we became pregnant. And then we moved to Singapore.

Moving to the other side of the world is hard. Moving when 30 weeks pregnant is very hard. Moving with an anxiety and depressive disorder, leaving behind your 15-year profession to become a stay-at-home mom in a different culture is my recipe for disaster.

After giving birth to my son, I went through a pretty difficult period. It's hard to tease out how much of it was the normal post-baby craziness and how much of it was my own internal craziness. So I tried going to therapy. We even tried couples therapy. I toyed with going back on antidepressants, but I figured I had come this far that medication would feel like going backwards. And then I started running.

My weight has always been an issue and I have exercised on and off for years. I've never really been able to maintain it (my weight or the exercise). I think this is because the focus has always been on trying to get then. Now, my focus is staying sane and that makes a huge difference.

Being in a foreign country away from family without any help and with a husband working long hours and completing his MBA, I didn't have much time for the gym. So I went for walks. And gradually as I got stronger, my legs felt like running, so it became a morning routine my son and I would do: run a couple of miles and then let him out of the jogging stroller to run around himself.

I didn't realize how much of an impact running had on my mental health until I had to take a break from it after minor surgery. I felt sluggish, grouchy, and negative all the time. It took a few weeks to turn that around, but once I was running regularly again, I could see the difference. Maintaining my mental health without medication is a huge motivator. Training for races forces me to keep up with that consistency on my most negative days.

Since starting to run in Singapore, I have run one 5K, two 10Ks, a 12K, and three half-marathons. I have lost more than 50 pounds and my mental health has greatly improved. My last half-marathon was my first race when I truly felt like a runner. My pace is pretty slow, especially in this Singapore humidity, but I am strong. When everyone else started slowing down at the halfway point, I kept going.  I took seven minutes off my personal best and completed the race with negative splits. It was the first time I really felt worthy of the label "runner".

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Since writing the above post, I have discovered that I am pregnant, moved back to the UK, and started back at full-time work after three years.

With all this going on, I need to keep running. I'm hoping this blog will keep me accountable.