Where I'm At

I haven't written in a long time because I wasn't sure I wanted to anymore. Maybe it is like this for you, too - being so constantly inside your own head that you start to doubt yourself. I think of things to write. Then over think them. And then the moment passes and it seems too late to write it down. But. Here I am again.

I have been through quite a few major life events in the past six months including giving birth, losing a loved one, and moving house. Any one of these things happening on its own could have sent me into a tailspin in the past. All three at the same time would have seen me catatonic or institutionalised. Seriously. But here I stand today on strong legs.

I plan to go into detail about those life events in later posts, but today I am back because I keep thinking of blog posts during my runs. Surely this is my brain telling me I need to process some stuff.

I set up this blog to talk about my experiences with depression and anxiety and how running helps me manage them. This weekend I was remarkably anti-anxious (for lack of a better descriptive term). Bored of running laps inside the nature reserve next to my house (even though it is beautiful), I decided to venture into unfamiliar territory. I had 7 miles to cover and didn't want to see the same paths I had covered over the past month. So without a plan I started running. My only thought was to go straight(ish) and to turn around at the halfway point.

I found it so exhilarating and liberating to run down new roads and to discover places I would have missed if I had stuck to my safe route. The area I'm living in feels like the country, but has pavement for pedestrians. This made it easy to run safely. I started to feel more anxious as more houses appeared and then more shops, but by then I was almost halfway and was proud of how far I had made it.

To get a little bit of perspective, I have a hard time going to new places. It takes me a long time to acclimatise because I can only try new things very slowly and gradually. Even in familiar towns I will walk by some shops because I have never been in them before. I can't tell you how many petrol stations I have driven by because of anxiety even though the tank is getting low. I fear looking stupid or looking like I don't know what I'm doing. So. Branching out and trying a new route was a big deal for me. Doing this without a plan or having mapped it out first was huge. Or maybe that is what made it possible...

Perhaps it is because I have been running again more regularly that I had the emotional strength to do this. Whatever the cause, I am super proud of myself for having done it. It has increased my self esteem and helped me to explore our new neighbourhood. It was such a positive experience that I took a new route again today and discovered even more things about where we are now living. I have found some new routes to run that I can add to my arsenal and I have plans to continue to explore. For now, I am filing this positive experience away to help keep me strong for the future.